Leo Babauta Quote on Expectations and Our Attachment To Ideals

“It’s the nature of dealing with other people that we all get frustrated and angry from time to time.  We take offense at the other person’s actions.  But the other person’s actions aren’t the problem—it’s our attachment to the ideal we have of how they should behave, which of course is unrealistic, and the real problem is the Childish Mind wanting so badly for that ideal to be true.”

Leo Babauta, Essential Zen Habits (Page 188)

Beyond the Quote (175/365)

It’s one of the beautiful flaws of the human condition. Our ability to envision a life beyond where it is right now. A life that is filled with people, places, and things that excite us. A life that is filled with ideal situations and circumstances and opportunity. A life that would be a dream come true if only things played out how they’re supposed to according to what we see in our minds.

But, of course, life doesn’t play out how it’s supposed to. Have you ever thought about what that even means? …Life playing out how it’s supposed to? Is life a child that is supposed to answer to some type of parent? Is that parent you? Are you in control of life and how it’s supposed to act? Of course not. You’re not God. You’re human. And it’s one of your beautiful flaws. You play God in your mind, but then live in a human reality. The flawed, imperfect, out of control, chaotic, frustrating, unexpected human reality. It’s a disconnect that leads to so much suffering and unhappiness.

Unless you can learn to stop playing God in your mind. When you create expectations in your mind they become a type of future reality that you, well, expect to happen. You don’t hope expectations will happen nor do you use expectations as an aim to humbly work towards—expectations are something that you expect to become reality without question. And the problem, of course, with those expectations is that life has other plans. Life doesn’t answer to your expectations. Life doesn’t answer to anyone’s expectations. Life happens. And what you expect to happen has nothing to do with it.

The only genuine expectation that we can hold towards life is that it will unfold unexpectedly. People aren’t going to act how you expect them to act—they are going to act despite your expectations. Circumstances aren’t going to unfold how you expect them to unfold—they’re going to unfold however they will. Opportunity will come and it will go and it will always be changing—independently of wherever your expectations might be. Do you get it?

The answer is to drop expectations. To use our beautiful minds to envision ideas that we can work on—not ideals that we expect to work out. To figure out a direction that will lead us towards an empowering destination—not envision an empowering destination that we expect to appear at one day. To plan out how we will act in the world based on mental simulations—not plan on how other people will act based on our mental expectations.

There’s nothing wrong with creating a beautiful life in your mind. But, when you create a life that looks so damn beautiful in your mind that it starts to haunt your current reality—you have a problem. What you envision should give you a sense of direction, purpose, and excitement that compliments the present moment. Never should your vision steal you away from the present moment and make you feel entitled to other people’s actions, getting places, or obtaining things.

Don’t try to play God in reality. Play human in reality. Enjoy the unexpected reality that is life. Because even pretending to be an almighty force like God in your mind, still, can’t ever compare to even one fully flawed, unexpected, raw, present moment in a human reality.

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