Why I DON’T Do “Pinky Promises”

“We started our relationship based on pinky promises, where we linked our pinkies and kissed our hands to demonstrate that we cannot lie and break that bond. Because like little kids a pinky promise means a lot more.”

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Beyond the Quote (263/365)

I saw a meme that asked, “Do you trust pinky promises?” with the response, “You are wack if you don’t take these seriously.”

Unpopular opinion: You are wack if you need a promise to be “pinkyed” to be taken seriously.

And I don’t mean this with any disrespect. What always irked me about pinky promises is that it creates a hierarchy of promises. When you say that a pinky promise “means a lot more” or is to be “taken more seriously,” then it implies by contrast that your “regular” promises mean a lot less and aren’t to be taken as seriously. And that, to me, is a problem.

Maybe it’s idealistic to think this but in my opinion, your word should be your promise. Period. And what you say you are going to do should be given the same weight and attention as something that you promised, or “pinky promised,” or even swore, you’d do. Otherwise, how to trust what the other person says without the interlocking of their pinky or without defaulting to their most trustworthy promise method every single time? It doesn’t feel right to me.

This is why promises shouldn’t have hierarchies. There should be no higher or lower level promises. You either promise or you don’t. You either say you are going to do something and you do it because you are a person of your word or you don’t because you’re not a person of your word. Finagling with a person to get them to “really” promise, to me, is a sign of distrust. And how can any relationship be built on that?

Supposedly, the Yakuza or Japanese mafia started the pinky promise tradition. It implies that if you break something as holy as a pinky promise, you have to cut off your finger as punishment. With that thought in mind, you might seriously consider whatever it is you were about to promise before you ever locked pinkies with anyone. But, that’s my point exactly. Why not seriously consider whatever it is you are about to promise before you ever promise or give your word in the first place? Does your word mean nothing?

Trust is the foundation of all relationships in your life. And making and keeping promises is the fundamental building block of trust. For every promise you make and keep, a small deposit is made into the relationship’s “trust account.” For every promise you make and break, a disproportionately large withdrawal is taken. And for anyone dealing with trust issues in any relationships in their life, this may be a fundamental reason why.

I might recommend getting back to basics and reconsider using “pinky promises” as the holy grail of promising. Maybe it’s time to reemphasize the power of your word. And maybe it’s time to pay closer attention to what you’re saying you’ll do. Don’t overpromise. Always overdeliver. Learn to say, “No.” And master the art of time management. The fate of your relationships are critically dependent on this. Otherwise, instead of the threat of pinkies being cut, you will slowly just get relationships cut instead. And I promise you, that can be just as painful.

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