Vironika Tugaleva Quote on Conflict and How It Can Lead To the Most Profound Personal Growth

“The most profound personal growth does not happen while reading a book or meditating on a mat. It happens in the throes of conflict—when you are angry, afraid, frustrated. It happens when you are doing the same old thing and you suddenly realize that you have a choice.”

Vironika Tugaleva

Beyond the Quote (335/365)

Whenever you find yourself angry, frustrated, upset, or otherwise losing your cool, it helps to ask yourself: What state of mind is going to help me get through this in the most ideal way? I know, I know. Who is going to seriously ask themselves that question when they’re pissed off? It’s almost comical to think about someone who is about to blow their gasket—pausing—and asking themselves, “What state of mind is going to help me get through this in the most ideal way?” But, as comical as it sounds, within the framework of that question is a profound personal growth opportunity.

I know because, generally speaking, acting in anger, frustration, or upset isn’t productive. This especially becomes evident when you think through a situation in full before you act. When you do, what you’ll find is that every situation has two fundamental elements: Elements that can be controlled and elements that can’t be controlled. Like, when it’s raining on your birthday. You can’t control the rain, but you can control what you do for your party in spite of the rain.

With this understanding comes crucial insight—insight that allows you to organize situations and more clearly see what’s actually worth mentally/ physically/ emotionally responding to. What elements can be changed? Act on them in the best ways you can think of. What elements can’t be changed? Don’t expend any time/energy on them. Why would you? They can’t be changed. What’s the point? And then—here’s the hard part for most of us—be done with it. What else can you do? Nothing? Good. Focus on ways that you can improve your state so that all of the other elements within your control can be better dealt with. Better that then making things worse, eh?

Because here’s what else I know for sure: getting angry at your frustration doesn’t help. And getting upset at your irritation doesn’t help. And getting pissed off at traffic because you’re late doesn’t help. But surrendering to the situation that you’re inevitably in, might. Teaching yourself how to stay calm and collected when there’s no alternative actions sure sounds like a better alternative. And giving yourself space to think things through before you act definitely sounds better than thinking about how you acted after-the-fact.

Accepting that what you’ve done has gotten you to where you are and realizing that if there’s nothing else that you can do then you’ve done all that you can—and really accepting that idea—is the secret to this profound personal development tip. It’s the secret to moving forward more gracefully through hard, frustrating, and upsetting times. It’s the secret to improving your state of mind when things feel out of control. It’s the secret to a more patient and understanding demeanor. And it’s the secret to improving just about any situation you might find yourself in.

And while it’s easy enough to explain, it’s worth pointing out that it certainly isn’t easy to do. It will require conscious, deliberate practice during times when the LAST thing you’re going to want to do is pause and ask yourself, “What state of mind is going to help me get through this in the most ideal way?” But, that’s where it’s going to be most important to catch yourself: when you’re about to blow your gasket; when you’re pissed off; and when you’re frustrated and upset. Because that’s how you rewire your reactions—by deliberately practicing a new response to the point where it becomes automatic (or at least conscious). And that happens one pause at a time during one pissed off moment at a time—when you realize that you have a choice.

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