Excerpt: Suleika Jaouad’s life was devastated by cancer. Our quotes from Between Two Kingdoms will give you a raw glimpse as to how she survived.
“It’s a tricky balance, attempting to find resonance in someone’s story without reducing your suffering to sameness.”
Suleika Jaoaud, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 338)
“Gazing up at the Milky Way, I remember when all I wanted is what I have in this moment. Sitting on the kitchen floor of my old apartment, sicker than I’d ever felt, my heart fractured into ten thousand tiny pieces, I needed to believe that there was a truer, more expansive and fulfilling version of my life out there. I had no interest in existing as a martyr, forever defined by the worst things that had happened to me. I needed to believe that when your life has become a cage, you can loosen the bars and reclaim your freedom. I told myself again and again, until I believed my own words: It is possible for me to alter the course of my becoming.“
Suleika Jaoaud, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 324)
“You can’t guarantee that people won’t hurt or betray you—they will, be it a breakup or something as big and blinding as death. But evading heartbreak is how we miss our people, our purpose. I make a pact with myself and send it off into the desert: May I be awake enough to notice when love appears and bold enough to pursue it without knowing where it will lead.“
Suleika Jaoaud, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 318)
“You can’t force clarity when there is none to be had yet.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 315)
“I used to think healing meant ridding the body and the heart of anything that hurt. It meant putting your pain behind you, leaving it in the past. But, I’m learning that’s not how it works. Healing is figuring out how to coexist with the pain that will always live inside of you, without pretending it isn’t there or allowing it to hijack your day. It is learning to confront ghosts and to carry what lingers. It is learning to embrace the people I love now instead of protecting against a future in which I am gutted by their loss.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 312)
“It strikes me that the redwoods have accomplished, without effort or ego, what I have struggled so hard to do. They make existence, as I conceive of it—time measured in hundred-day increments—seem laughably naïve and nearsighted. I feel so tiny and rootless in their midst. Right now, I am no redwood. I am a speck, a spore surfing the breeze, directionless and susceptible, blown any which way, without the faintest clue about where I’ll land.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 304)
“[Rich] has a theory: When we travel, we actually take three trips. There’s the first trip of preparation and anticipation, packing and daydreaming. There’s the trip you’re actually on. And then, there’s the trip you remember. ‘The key is to try to keep all three as separate as possible,’ he says. ‘The key is to be present wherever you are right now.'”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 303)
“Stability for me has always been in someone’s arms, no matter how fleeting the time there. Whenever I am feeling lost or stuck, it’s been my pattern to end whatever relationship I am in and immediately find my compass in a new man. This has always been a convenient way to avoid figuring out what I want for myself or working on the problems at hand. It’s easier to fixate on a new love interest than to face what’s really at stake.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 298)
“Perhaps the greatest test of love is the way we act in times of need. It is the moment of accountability that all relationships seem to arc toward.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 281)
“At times, my heart feels so haunted that there’s no room for the living—for the possibility of new love, new loss.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 289)
“I’m realizing that if I am to cross the distance between near-death and renewal, instead of trying to bury my pain, I must use it as a guide to know myself better. In confronting my past, I have to reckon not only with the pain of losing other people but also with the pain I’ve caused others. I must keep seeking truths and teachers on these long, lonely stretches of highway even when—especially when—the search brings discomfort.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 283)
“Untamed fear consumes you, becomes you, until what you are most afraid of turns alive.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 281)
“It is hard to rage at something as nebulous as cancer. You have to steer the trajectory of your anger, ideally toward a canvas or a notebook, before it hurdles toward a human target.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 281)
“While it’s easy to destroy the past, it’s far more difficult to forget it.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 279)
“I told everyone I was fine, when in fact I needed the privacy to fall apart.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 270)
“To quell my own fears, I needed space from theirs.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 252)
“Odd things happen when you’re on a road trip alone. The monotony of driving becomes meditative: The mind unwrinkles. As the usual anxieties and concerns vacate, daydreams flit in. Occasionally, a wisp of an idea appears out of nowhere only to recede, a shimmery mirage in a desert. Other times, an avalanche of memories tumbles forth, loosened by an old song on the radio or a deja vu—inducing landscape. The interplay between geography and memory becomes a conversation. They spark and spur each other.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 244)
“Recovery isn’t a gentle self-care spree that restores you to a pre-illness state. Though the word may suggest otherwise, recovery is not about salvaging the old at all. It’s about accepting that you must forsake a familiar self forever, in favor of one that is being newly born. It is an act of brute, terrifying discovery.”
Suleika Jaouad, Between Two Kingdoms (Page 234)