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The Place Where You Get Off

    The Place Where You Get Off

    Photo by Jon Ellis

    Outside the station, she stands with her child on the side of the street, taking pictures of cars.

    You think she’s insane. Until, one day, you notice that she’s taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.

    Because you look. But you do not see.

    And she walks out the shop with bags full of cat food. You think she’s some crazy cat lady until you find out, she has no cats.

    Because you eat. But you do not taste.

    It’s been a while since their last album but he assures you, he’s doing just fine these days, white flecks in his nostrils. Then he asks you if he can spend the night on your couch, even though it stinks.

    Because you sniff. But you do not smell.

    And they say “Just OK” when you ask them how school was. Then you wonder what they’re hiding until you find their diary and the last entry reads “I wish you’d give me some privacy.”

    Because you listen. But you do not hear.

    And they’ve got a bruise over their eye and you run the tips of your fingers over it and ask them how it happened. You believe them. Until it happens again.

    Because you touch. But you do not feel.

    And they walk past you everyday, one million stories, each waiting to be told. Waiting for you to ask.

    Because you live. But very few, love.

    —— —— ——

    The above was a poem from the book, I Wrote This For You by Iain Thomas.

      “Before you call someone lazy or judge them, try to imagine their perspective, beliefs, and abilities and forget yours. That is, respond with curiosity and empathy. When you do, I predict you’ll find yourself understanding their choices. You may not like their beliefs and choices, but you’ll understand them.”

      Joshua Spodek

      The ground of real love:

        “We really have to understand the person we want to love.  If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.  If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.  We must look deeply in order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the person we love.  This is the ground of real love.  You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

        — The More: —

        Take Action:  From time to time, sit close to the one you love, hold his or her hand, and ask, “Darling, do I understand you enough?  Or am I making you suffer?  Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly.  I don’t want to make you suffer, and if I do so because of my ignorance, please tell me so that I can love you better, so that you can be happy.”  If you say this in a voice that communicates your real openness to understand, the other person may cry.  That is a good sign, because it means the door of understanding is opening and everything will be possible again.

        Comment:  Do you feel that you and your partner understand each other deeply?  If so, what methods have kept the doors of understanding so open for you and your relationship?

        When you understand, you cannot help but love.

          “When you understand, you cannot help but love.  You cannot get angry.  To develop understanding, you have to practice looking at all loving beings with the eyes of compassion.  When you understand, you cannot help but love.  And when you love, you naturally act in a way that can relieve the suffering of people.”

          Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

          — The More: —

          Quote in action:  Suppose your son wakes up one morning and sees that it is already quite late.  He decides to wake up his younger sister, to give her enough time to eat breakfast before going to school.  It happens that she is grouchy and instead of saying, “Thank you for waking me up,” she says, “Shut up! Leave me alone!” and kicks him.  He will probably get angry, thinking, “I woke her up nicely.  Why did she kick me?”  He may want to go to the kitchen and tell you about it, or even kick her back.  But then he remembers that during the night his sister coughed a lot, and he realizes that she must be sick.  Maybe she behaved so meanly because she has a cold.  At that moment, he understands, and he is not angry at all anymore.

          Comment:  Have you ever had a moment of understanding that dissolved all of your anger towards another person?

            “When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce.  You look into the reasons it is not doing well.  It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun.  You never blame the lettuce.  Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person.  But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce.  Blaming has not positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments.  That is my experience.  No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding.  If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

              “Someone who speaks badly to us may have been spoken to in exactly the same way just the day before, or by his alcoholic father when he was a child.  When we see and understand these kinds of causes, we can begin to be free from our anger.  I am not saying that someone who viciously attacks us should not be disciplined.  But what is most important is that we first take care of the seeds of negativity in ourselves.  Then if someone needs to be helped or disciplined, we will do so out of compassion, not anger and retribution.  If we genuinely try to understand the suffering of another person, we are more likely to act in a way that will help him overcome his suffering and confusion, and that will help all of us.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

                “Anger is rooted in our lack of understanding of ourselves and of the causes, deep-seated as well as immediate, that brought about this unpleasant state of affairs.  Anger is also rooted in desire, pride, agitation, and suspicion.  The primary roots of our anger are in ourselves.  Our environment and other people are only secondary.  It is not difficult for us to accept the enormous damage brought about by a natural disaster, such as an earthquake or a flood.  But when damage is caused by another person, we don’t have much patience.  We know that earthquakes and floods have causes, and we should see that the person who has precipitated our anger also has reasons, deep-seated and immediate, for what he has done.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

                  “Today many people live the external life exclusively, and when the inner world erupts or stirs, they rush to a therapist or druggist for help. They try to explain profound mythic developments in the language of behavior and experience. Often they have no idea what is happening to them, because they have been so cut off from the deep self. Their own soul is so alien to them that they are unaware of what is going on outside the known realm of fact. Former methods of keeping in touch with the inner life have gone out of mode. Diaries, letters, and deep conversations help focus attention on developments and materials that lie beneath the surface. Only one hundred years ago, without benefit of typewriters and word processors, people kept elaborate, long and detailed diaries and notebooks. We seem to have left behind these methods of reflection in favor of technologies for action.”

                  Thomas Moore, Original Self | ★ Featured on this book list.

                    “When we get angry, we suffer. If you really understand that, you also will be able to understand that when the other person is angry, it means that she is suffering. When someone insults you or behaves violently towards you, you have to be intelligent enough to see that the person suffers from his own violence and anger. But we tend to forget. We think that we are the only one that suffers, and the other person is our oppressor. This is enough to make anger arise, and to strengthen our desire to punish. We want to punish the other person because we suffer. Then, we have anger in us; we have violence in us, just as they do. When we see that our suffering and anger are no different from their suffering and anger, we will behave more compassionately. So understanding the other is understanding yourself, and understanding yourself is understanding the other person. Everything must begin with you.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

                      “It takes courage, of course, to step out of the fray, as it takes courage to do anything that’s necessary, whether tending to a loved one on her deathbed or turning away from that sugarcoated doughnut. And with billions of our global neighbors in crying need, with so much in every life that has to be done, it can sound selfish to take a break or go off to a quiet place. But as soon as you do sit still, you find that it actually brings you closer to others, in both understanding and sympathy. As the meditative video artist Bill Viola notes, it’s the man who steps away from the world whose sleeve is wet with tears for it.” ~ Pico Iyer, The Art of Stillness

                      The Road Less Traveled [Book]

                        The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck

                        By: Scott Peck

                        From this Book:  28 Quotes

                        Book Overview: Written in a voice that is timeless in its message of understanding, The Road Less Traveled continues to help us explore the very nature of loving relationships and leads us toward a new serenity and fullness of life. It helps us learn how to distinguish dependency from love; how to become a more sensitive parent; and ultimately how to become one’s own true self.  Recognizing that, as in the famous opening line of his book, “Life is difficult” and that the journey to spiritual growth is a long one, Dr. Peck never bullies his readers, but rather guides them gently through the hard and often painful process of change toward a higher level of self-understanding.

                        Buy from Amazon!  Listen on Audible!

                        Great on Kindle. Great Experience. Great Value. The Kindle edition of this book comes highly recommended on Amazon.

                        Post(s) Inspired by this Book:

                        1. 5 Powerful Reasons Why You Should Stop Selectively Listening and Start Truly Listening to Children.
                        2. 15 Quotes from The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck

                          “Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator. Always remember there is a human being on the other end of every exchange and behind every cultural artifact being critiqued. To understand and be understood, those are among life’s greatest gifts, and every interaction is an opportunity to exchange them.” ~ Maria Popova, Brain Pickings

                            “A man of understanding, a man who understands himself and others, always feels compassion. Even if somebody is an enemy you have compassion toward him because a man of understanding can understand the viewpoint of the other also. He knows why the other feels as he feels, he knows why the other is angry, because he knows his own self, and in knowing that, he has known all others.”

                            Osho, The Book of Understanding (page 206)