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Jon Gordon Quote on Tough Love and How Love Should Come First

    “I believe in tough love. But for tough love to work, love must come first. We must love tough to bring out the best in those who lead.”

    Jon Gordon

    Beyond the Quote (106/365)

    At what point does “tough love” go from being “love that’s tough” to just being hurtful, mean, and even abusive behavior?  It’s an important distinction to make because there is certainly a line between being tough out of love and being tough because of harbored inner hate—or lack of control.

    In my estimation, I think Jon has it right in the quote above.  In order for tough love to work, love must come first.  The intention behind the action has to be mindfully channeled through love and has to be conscious and deliberate.  When tough actions are taken without the mind, they are usually emotionally charged, disproportionately harsh, and later regretted.  Then, after it’s all said and done, those actions are guised behind “tough love” and proper responsibility isn’t always taken.

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      “We’re all going to make horrible choices, but that doesn’t make us horrible people.  When we zoom in and look at a horrible choice in isolation, it may simply be an outlier, a lapse of judgment, because of many things.  We weren’t born out of the box with the right tools to handle life’s challenges; we need to learn them, and we can’t demonize those who were never taught better ways of handling things.” ~ Humble the Poet, Things No One Else Can Teach Us (Page 210)

      Jordan Peterson Quote on Disciplining Children

        “It is an act of responsibility to discipline a child.  It is not anger at misbehavior.  It is not revenge for a misdeed.  It is instead a careful combination of mercy and long-term judgment.  Proper discipline requires effort—indeed, is virtually synonymous with effort.  It is difficult to pay careful attention to children.  It is difficult to figure out what is wrong and what is right and why.  It is difficult to formulate just and compassionate strategies of discipline, and to negotiate their application with others deeply involved in a child’s care.  Because of this combination of responsibility and difficulty, any suggestion that all constraints placed on children are damaging can be perversely welcome.  Such a notion, once accepted, allows adults who should know better to abandon their duty to serve as agents of enculturation and pretend that doing so is good for children.  It’s a deep and pernicious act of self-deception.  It’s lazy, cruel and inexcusable.”

        Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life(Page 124)

        Beyond the Quote (51/365)

        Once we agree that the proper disciplining of children is necessary, the question that quickly follows is, how do we discipline properly?  What strategies and tactics should we use to ensure that our children will abide by and will continue to abide by the rules we have decided upon?  One idea that you might explore is a martial arts concept that is practiced in self-defense situations that suggests we use the minimum force necessary.  If we have to defend ourselves, we only use the minimum amount of force that would stun or neutralize the opponent so that we can safely escape.  For kids, the idea would be to use the minimum strategy or tactic necessary to get them back into accordance with the rule set.

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        Quote on How It’s Easier To Build Up A Child Than Repair An Adult

          “It is easier to build up a child than it is to repair an adult.”

          Unknown

          Beyond the Quote (49/365)

          Learning how to properly educate, inspire, and guide our next generation is one of the most important duties we have as adults who have come before.  It is up to us to protect our kids from the world and at the same time, prepare them for it.  It is our obligation to give them the tools they need to succeed without simultaneously doing the work for them.

          Read More »Quote on How It’s Easier To Build Up A Child Than Repair An Adult

            “Clear rules make for secure children and calm, rational parents.  Clear principles of discipline and punishment balance mercy and justice so that social development and psychological maturity can be optimally promoted.  Clear rules and proper discipline help the child, and the family, and society, establish, maintain and expand the order that is all that protects us from chaos and the terrors of the underworld, where everything is uncertain, anxiety-provoking, hopeless and depressing.  There are no greater gifts that a committed and courageous parent can bestow.” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 144)

              “Here are some suggestions [for rules for children].  Do not bite, kick or hit, except in self-defense.  Do not torture and bully other children, so you don’t end up in jail.  Eat in a civilized and thankful manner, so that people are happy to have you at their house, and pleased to feed you.  Learn to share, so other kids will play with you.  Pay attention when spoken to by adults, so they don’t hate you and might therefore deign to teach you something.  Go to sleep properly, and peaceably, so that your parents can have a private life and not resent your existence.  Take care of your belongings, because you need to learn how and because you’re lucky to have them.  Be good company when something fun is happening, so that you’re invited for the fun.  Act so that other people are happy you’re around, so that people will want you around.  A child who knows these rules will be welcome everywhere.” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 137)

                “Parents who refuse to adopt the responsibility for disciplining their children think they can just opt out of the conflict necessary for proper child-rearing.  They avoid being the bad guy (in the short term).  But they do not at all rescue or protect their children from fear and pain.  Quite the contrary: the judgmental and uncaring broader social world will mete out conflict and punishment far greater than that which would have been delivered by an awake parent.  You can discipline your children, or you can turn that responsibility over to the harsh, uncaring judgmental world—and the motivation for the latter decision should never be confused with love.” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 134)

                  “Children hit first because aggression is innate, although more dominant in some individuals and less in others, and second, because aggression facilitates desire.  It’s foolish to assume that such behaviour must be learned.  A snake does not have to be taught to strike.  It’s in the nature of the beast.  Two-year-olds, statistically speaking, are the most violent of people.  They kick, hit and bite, and they steal the property of others.  They do so to explore, to express outrage and frustration, and to gratify their impulsive desires.  More importantly, for our purposes, they do so to discover the true limits of permissible behaviour.  How else are they ever going to puzzle out what is acceptable?  Infants are like blind people, searching for a wall.  They have to push forward, and test, to see where the actual boundaries lie (and those are too-seldom where they are said to be).” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 126)

                    “More often than not, modern parents are simply paralyzed by the fear that they will no longer be liked or even loved by their children if they chastise them for any reason.  They want their children’s friendship above all, and are willing to sacrifice respect to get it.  This is not good.  A child will have many friends, but only two parents—if that—and parents are more, not less, than friends.  Friends have very limited authority to correct.  Every parent therefore needs to learn to tolerate the momentary anger or even hatred directed towards them by their children, after necessary corrective action has been taken, as the capacity of children to perceive or care about long-term consequences is very limited.  Parents are the arbiters of society.  They teach children how to behave so that other people will be able to interact meaningfully and productively with them.” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 124)

                      “To treat yourself as if you were someone you are responsible for helping is what would be truly good for you.  This is not ‘what you want.’  It is also not ‘what would make you happy.’  Every time you give a child something sweet, you make that child happy.  That does not mean that you should do nothing for children except feed them candy.  ‘Happy’ is by no means synonymous with ‘good.’  You must get children to brush their teeth.  They must put on their snowsuits when they go outside in the cold, even though they might object strenuously.  You must help a child become a virtuous, responsible, awake being, capable of full reciprocity—able to take care of himself and others, and to thrive while doing so.  Why would you think it acceptable to do anything less for yourself?” ~ Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life (Page 62)

                        “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is… and to forgive yourself over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” ~ Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm

                        I Don’t Want To Talk About It [Book]

                          I Don't Want To Talk About It by Terrence Real

                          By:  Terrence Real

                          From this Book: 12 Quotes

                          Book Overview:  Twenty years of experience treating men and their families has convinced psychotherapist Terrence Real that depression is a silent epidemic in men—that men hide their condition from family, friends, and themselves to avoid the stigma of depression’s “un-manliness.” Problems that we think of as typically male—difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage—are really attempts to escape depression. And these escape attempts only hurt the people men love and pass their condition on to their children.  This groundbreaking book is the “pathway out of darkness” that these men and their families seek. Real reveals how men can unearth their pain, heal themselves, restore relationships, and break the legacy of abuse.

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                          Post(s) Inspired by this Book:

                          1. 25 Quotes on Masculinity, What Can Make It “Toxic,” and How To Break the Cycle of Harm to Our Boys and Men.

                            “The unresolved pain of previous generations operates in families like an emotional debt.  We either face it or we leverage our children with it.  When a man stands up to depression, the site of his battle may be inside his own head, but the struggle he wages has repercussions far beyond him.  A man who transforms the internalized voice of contempt resists violence lying close to the heart of patriarchy itself.  Such a man serves as a breakwall.  The waves of pain that may have wreaked havoc across generations spill over him and lose their virulent force—sparing his children.  The ‘difficult repentance’ such a man undertakes protects those who follow him.  And his healing is a spiritual gift to those who came before.  The reclaimed lost boy such a man discovers—the unearthed emotional, creative part of him—may not be merely the child of his own youth, but the lost child of his father’s youth, or even of his father’s father.”  ~ Terrence Real, I Don’t Want To Talk About It