Should Trust Be Earned Not Given, or Given Not Earned?

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Excerpt: Unpopular opinion: I believe that trust should be given, not earned. Most people model their relationships off of the inverse. Read on and weigh in.

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“If you succeed in cheating someone, don’t think that person is a fool. Realize that the person trusted you more than you deserved.”

Unknown

Unpopular opinion: I believe that trust should be given, not earned. Most people model their relationships off of the inverse. They believe that trust should be earned and not just given. The problem with this way of thinking is that, by default, it implies that you must live your life in a constant state of distrust. If trust must be earned, then everybody is a lier and a cheater until proven otherwise.

I like to model how I give out trust based on our criminal justice system: innocent until proven guilty—trustworthy until proven untrustworthy. This allows me to see the best in people, first, rather than seeing and expecting the worst in people as my initial judgement of their character. When you look at people through the lens of constant distrust, rather than through a lens of constant trust, it completely changes how you act towards them and treat them. How could it not?

And the caveat with that way of acting is that people tend to become a product of who we make them out to be. This is especially true for the vulnerable and easily influenced. If we believe someone is a liar, a cheater, a stealer, etc., then we’ll act towards them in ways that tends to fulfill that belief (because who wants to be wrong?). And when that narrative of distrust gets perpetuated onto a person, especially if it’s by more than one person, it can have a lasting affect on who they choose become.

If someone is looked at as a criminal, is interrogated as a criminal, is treated like a criminal, and is done so by multiple people—even if that person never did anything criminal—how to overcome that criminal narrative? How are they supposed to see themselves as otherwise when those beliefs are being forced upon them from all of those angles? It takes an incredibly strong sense of character and self-belief or a strong community of counter-narratives to combat that.

Figuring out who we are and what role we can play in this world is hard enough as is. And many people use the opinions of others as a type of mirror to help them figure out where they might fit. And when you have numerous false and/or unsupported opinions of others being shoved down your throat? It’s as though you are being forced to look into a broken, damaged, and/or manipulated mirror. If all of the mirrors start to show you the same thing, how could you not start believing what they all show?

This is where the idea of giving trust, first, comes into play. Instead of walking around with a tainted mirror that reflects back the worst in people, it reflects back the best in them. When people start to see, over and over again, that they are someone who can be trusted, given responsibility to, and someone who deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt? Then, I believe, that’s who they’ll more likely become.

Now, people who have been “burned” in the past for doing just that might feverishly question this strategy. For, isn’t it true that some people might abuse that trust that you give out so freely? Of course. But, all that does is provide for you the “hard evidence” you need to “convict” them as being untrustworthy—at least until they can make proper amends. But, as is the case with our criminal justice system (or as is supposed to be the case), the way one case goes should not influence how other cases go. Each person is supposed to be tried independently and should always be given the benefit of the doubt: innocent until proven guilty.

Again, trustworthy until proven untrustworthy. And if it makes you feel any better, getting “burned” doesn’t mean that you were a fool or that you were weak in some way. No. It’s merely a sign that you gave the other person more trust than they deserved. It is a hard reflection on their character, not yours. Don’t get it twisted. And, while it may be incredibly tough, remember to compartmentalize what happens with one person from what happens with others. Assume the best and I believe you’ll get more of their best. And if you don’t, well, at least now you’ll know for sure.

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