Ruth Bader Ginsburg Quote on Intentionally Being A Little Deaf Towards Thoughtless Or Unkind Words

“Another often-asked question when I speak in public: ‘Do you have some good advice you might share with us?‘ Yes, I do. It comes from my savvy mother-in-law, advice she gave me on my wedding day. ‘In every good marriage,’ she counseled, ‘it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.’ I have followed that advice assiduously, and not only at home through fifty-six years of a marital partnership nonpareil. I have employed it as well in every workplace, including the Supreme Court of the United States. When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, My Own Words

Beyond the Quote (260/365)

In every relationship in life, I think it helps to be a little deaf. And I, nor RBG, mean this in a demeaning, belittling, dismissive way for the other person. We mean it in a self-loving kind of way. We choose to be a little deaf towards the thoughtless and unkind types of remarks. The remarks that are not backed by thought, but are rather reactive, emotional, and are lacking of reason or fact. The remarks that do not serve the higher purpose of advancing the argument, but rather attack the person and are derogatory or unkind in nature. Those are the types of thoughts that should fall on deaf ears.

One of my favorite pieces of advice when it comes to argument and debate is: Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument. If the argument is sound and backed with logic and reason, one shouldn’t have to scream it (hopefully). The integrity of the argument should stand on its own. Speaking with conviction, of course, helps with the delivery of the argument, but conviction should never replace the need for reason and thoughtfulness.

All too often, conviction gets confused with consciousness. You see this when people who are arrogant or cocky speak on subjects they don’t fully understand (or care to understand). We need to learn to separate what’s being said (and the intention) from how it’s being said. The two are not one-in-the-same and are certainly not interchangeable.

Once we’re able to turn our attention more exclusively towards the arguments and learn how to block out more of the distracting delivery tactics—we can start doing ourselves a great service. We can learn how to leave arguments with a heightened sense of calm and peace of mind. Or maybe even leave with a more pointed direction of where to focus our efforts minus the headache and fluster. When we get emotional, our mind gets clouded and we say things without thinking clearly and do things without being able to fully see. This leads to ineffective action and later regrets.

And this isn’t only true in formal courts of debate, it’s true within the walls of our own homes, too. As RBG notes above, sometimes being a “little deaf” helps in marriage—and largely for many of the same reasons mentioned above. Speaking with logic, reason, and thoughtfulness will advance arguments and therefore, the relationship. Emotional, shallow, thoughtless remarks will only work to do the opposite. And learning how to not take everything that is said when your partner is in an emotional state personally is a good strategy for long-term success. That is, if you want the relationship to be a long-term success!

In a perfect world, we would never get emotional or raise our voice—but, this isn’t a perfect world. It happens. So, as RBG was advised to do (and later advised us to do), we adjust. We control our side of the relationship and turn a deaf ear when we need to.

And take note special note that she said “a little” deaf. Let’s be clear that this isn’t about disregarding all of your partners emotional responses and unkind tendencies. Poor behavior and disrespectful remarks need to still be put into place and should be confronted appropriately. Nobody should serve as another persons doormat who just gets stepped on and walked all over all of the time. We are not doormats.

So, no, don’t take anybody’s crap. But also, don’t let unkind remarks disrupt your inner peace and ability to think clearly. Many times, that is the exact intention of unkind, dirty remarks—to upset the other person and knock them out of balance (and maybe even draw them to do something they later regret). Don’t give anyone that control. Stay centered, keep people in their place, think clearly, and speak thoughtfully. Or, as RBG would say, “get it right and keep it tight.” May she rest in peace and may her legacy forever carry on in what we say and in how we act.

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