How Can We Create More Space In Our Lives For What’s REAL?

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Excerpt: An exploration of what even IS real, why real tends NOT to be the default, and how “keeping it real” can lead to more connections and strength than the opposite.

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How can we create more space in our lives for what’s real? You know, space for more of what’s not fake, not superficial, not pretend, not egotistical, not shallow, not imaginary. Space for more of what makes us feel alive, connected, seen, heard, vulnerable, authentic, raw, and present. What actions can we take to create more spaces like that? What skills can we build that will better allow us to utilize those types of spaces? And what do we have to remember to do once we’re immersed in these spaces and moments so we don’t end up defaulting to the opposite? Because one of the big problems that many of us face is, real tends not to be the default.

Real tends to be the “soft inner” that’s well guarded and protected by the “hard outer.” Real tends to be the side of people that gets suppressed and hidden. Real tends to be where we are most vulnerable to being hurt. But, real is also precisely where we are most able to connect. And it’s because of that double edged sword that so many of us default to “safety mode” over “risk mode”—safety first, right? Better to build up the walls than risk getting broken. Better to harden the outer shell so the soft inner doesn’t get hurt. Better to err on the side of comfort and safety than risk being overly exposed and uncomfortable, right? And so it goes.

And so the attempt to appear perfect on all social fronts becomes the norm. And so the ego inflates so as to dismiss feelings of smallness, quirkiness, or weakness. And so putting on “fronts” and acting like somebody who you think other people would like becomes more normal than simply being who you are. These are the consequential adaptations that are made in response to living in a world that can be harsh, hateful, judgmental, unfair, unkind, unrelenting, and cruel. How else to protect your vulnerability, right? But, maybe there’s a better way.

For, what might be better than building up really high, strong, reinforced walls to protect your own soft, vulnerable sides? Well, how about connecting with a team of others who share those same vulnerabilities and fighting against the harsh, hateful, judgmental, unfair, unkind, unrelenting, and cruel world together rather than just defending against it alone? For, wouldn’t you rather be amongst an army of likeminded soldiers rather than alone in a walled up castle? You see, the truth of the matter is, alone is where we really are vulnerable and weak and together is where we really are protected and strong.

And so, how to become a part of a tribe like this? How to find the right group of likeminded individuals? How to connect with the people who are going to see you, hear you, respect you, challenge you, and believe in you—without hurting, misleading, judging, or using you? Well, you have to find ways to do precisely the opposite of what you’ve been defaulting to for so long. You have to find ways to tear the walls down, hatch from the hard shells, expose the imperfections, and take off the masks. You have to find more safe spaces that promote trust, silliness, honesty, authenticity, present mindedness, open mindedness, and curiosity. And you have to be willing to create more of those spaces yourself.

Explore the following questions to get the answers that might guide you in the most appropriate directions: Who do I feel like I can vulnerable with? How can I create more space (time) to be with them? Who do I feel like I can’t be vulnerable with? How can I take away more space (time) with them? Are there any mentors/ leaders/ role models who might be creating these types of spaces already that I can join? What skills do I need to build if I’m going to open up more of these types of spaces for myself and others? For more on this topic, consider participating in Seth Godin’s Real Skills Seminar—the very seminar that I just finished attending that prompted this very post. And finally, what do I have to remember to do when I’m in a space of conversation, communication, and/or connection in order to ensure it errs on the side of authenticity, vulnerability, and genuine connection and not the opposite? Let your vulnerabilities lead the way.

In a Tweet:

What might be better than building up really high, strong walls to protect your vulnerable side?

How about connecting w/ others who share those same vulnerabilities?

Part of an army > alone in a castle.

Alone is really where we’re weak & together is really where we’re strong.

— Matthew Hogan (@MattHogan123) October 18, 2020

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