Francois de La Rouchefoucauld Quote on Absence and How It’s The Ultimate Relationship Test

“Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.”

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Beyond the Quote (Day 411)

Without absence it’s hard to tell what’s a priority and what’s not. Because if there’s no absence, then there’s immersion and if we’re immersed in something, then that’s all we know—we have nothing to contrast it against. If we were only ever taught math, how might we know if we liked another subject better? If we only ever spent time with certain people, how could we know what it would be like to spend time with others? Contrast is what provides us with the opportunity to compare. Without it, we have only the option we have.

This is why we don’t realize how much we appreciate something (or how much we don’t) until it’s gone. Because it’s only with absence that a new base of comparison is created. It’s why the death of a close family member can be so painful. What used to be a way of life as we knew it, is suddenly turned upside down and completely different. And in this case, the flames of our inner fire (our passion for them) are fanned.

In the case of a toxic relationship, however, the mediocre (or nonexistent) passions we might have for another person would extinguish in their absence. This is why toxic people fight so hard to control every aspect of another person’s life—they want to immerse the other in… them. They don’t want there to be any contrast or options—not even a glimpse at another life. They want the other person to just accept things as they are, regardless of how toxic, by making them feel like it’s the only option they have to choose from.

Which is precisely why time apart can be so valuable. It’s one of the greatest tests of any relationship—between people, people and places, and people with things. Think about how you feel when the various people in your life are absent. Do you miss them or forget about them? What about where you live? Do you miss your home(town) when you’re gone? Or do you find yourself being drawn elsewhere? How about with things? Are those clothes hidden in the back of your closet really adding value to your life or have you been doing just fine without them? What about the cool stuff that’s been collecting dust in storage? Test all of the relationships in your life with absence and watch closely the flames of your fire—are they fanned or extinguished? Respond accordingly.

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