“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”
Paulo Coelho
Beyond the Quote (124/365)
I disagree. I stumbled upon this quote on Instagram and I can see why people would share it and agree with it from a superficial standpoint, but I feel that there’s something deeply wrong about it that needs to be discussed. If you never took the time to explain, how would anybody ever be influenced to change their mind? Certainly people change their minds. And in my estimation, it’s ONLY through conversation and explanation that it ever happens: conversations you have with other people, conversations you listen to between other people, and conversations that you read from other people. It’s through this constant exchange of ideas—these explanations—that we only ever advance our thoughts forward. How else could we possibly do that?
If people only ever heard what they wanted to hear, then they would never hear anything new. And yes, I get it that people can feel strongly about certain things and can have deep, personal beliefs that they fundamentally believe to be true. And I understand that this can close their minds to hearing anything that would put those beliefs and feelings into question. I think we’ve all been engaged in a conversation with somebody who, no matter how much you explained your perspective, didn’t hear what you were trying to say. And this, I believe, is where this idea stems from. Why even bother explaining if people aren’t going to listen to you anyway, right?
But, what you’re forgetting is, just as strongly as you might feel about your ideas, they, too, might feel just as strongly about theirs. Assuming we’re not talking about illegal, immoral, or malevolent beliefs, why should they adopt your beliefs if both of your feelings are equal? How can you ever know how strong their feelings really are? What makes you think that you’re not acting the exact same way towards them as you feel they are acting towards you? Are you only hearing what you want to hear? Are you really hearing their perspective? Or are you hearing something that doesn’t line up with exactly what you think and rebutting and regurgitating your beliefs quickly back at them? Isn’t that exactly what you were just complaining about from the other person?
The Bottom Line
Here’s the thing, any mentality that encourages LESS conversation, LESS explanation, and LESS belief in people—is dangerous. Explanation is not a waste of time—it’s a fundamental piece of what allows us to connect, improve, and better understand each other. Anybody who thinks they know it all and thinks they have a superior perspective of understanding—is dangerous. You don’t have to look too far back into history to see that.
If there’s any takeaway from this quote that I think IS important to reflect on, it’s the idea of agreeing to disagree. We have to accept the fact that we, as a diverse people, are going to fundamentally disagree about certain values, beliefs, behaviors, and ideas. There’s no getting around it. And when you cross that bridge and feel as though you fully understand the other person’s perspective, even if it’s in disagreement with yours, you have to learn to stop trying to explain yourself and learn to agree to disagree and walk away.
That doesn’t mean, though, that we shouldn’t maintain an OPEN dialog about those disagreements, discrepancies, and arguments into the future. For, it’s through open, honest, and constructive dialog that we can only ever advance as a society. We don’t advance when we’re surrounded only by people who agree with us. We don’t advance when don’t take the time to thoughtfully and thoroughly explain our perspectives and how they would contribute to a better world. And we certainly don’t advance when we assume that everybody in the world has already made up their mind.
We’re all just doing the best we can and trying to figure it all out as we go. Sometimes what we discuss is going to leave an impression and it might pivot somebody’s beliefs in that direction. Sometimes, they won’t—and that’s okay. We have to stay open to different perspectives and commit to a continued, ongoing dialog. People change. Situations change. Perspectives change. The future is in the hands of those who are willing have the tough conversations—not the people who have permanently made up their mind. For, the best decisions are not made in the past, when you made up your mind, but in the present, when you have all of the updated facts, fresh perspectives, and new information on hand. Don’t shy away from the ongoing conversation—get in the mix. Keep an open mind and learn to engage, elaborate, listen—really listen, and walk away while at the same time, committing to the ongoing conversation. This is what we need more of. Not the opposite.
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