NF Quote from “Only” on Trust

“If you made a list of people that you trusted/

Would you put your name down?”

NF, Only

Beyond the Quote (187/365)

When I heard this line in NF’s song it stayed with me. It brilliantly orients an issue that so many of us confront on a regular basis—trust. Trust is the foundation of every relationship in our lives. Without trust there cannot be a stable relationship. Just like without a proper foundation there cannot be a stable building. Why is trust so important? Because trust is the key that unlocks and opens a person’s vulnerable side. And until a person is vulnerable and open to another—no true relationship can form.

When trust is shared and people can open up and share their vulnerabilities, genuine connection can form because our vulnerabilities are the very parts of us that make us human. Our imperfections, weaknesses, fears, hopes, desires, dreams, quirks, etc—these are the points of connection where foundation can be laid and formed. “Perfections,” are not something we connect over. In fact, perfection is the antithesis to what it means to be human.

When we look at someone who presents as “perfect” we feel distant. Why? Because we know from the inside-out that we’re not perfect and if we look at another person who looks to be perfect from the outside looking in, then a gap is created. And gaps move us further from, not closer to, other people. Getting close to another person happens when gaps are closed and walls are dropped. We don’t form connections over what’s perfect, we bond over what’s imperfect.

When people distrust each other, they remain closed and locked up and while a relationship can still be formed—it will only ever be superficial at best. Whatever gets shared during states of distrust can’t be genuine, and is rather a facade, a mask, an act. Without that key of trust a person remains walled up, hidden inside their hard shell, and blocked off from the world in order to stay protected. Exposing vulnerability is a risk—it’s where a person is, well, most vulnerable to getting hurt. So, until you’re sure you can trust a person, better to remain walled up, hidden, and blocked off, right?

This is where I found NF’s lyric to be so intriguing. If you made a list of people you trusted, who would make it to your list? This is where most of us always start. Who has earned MY trust? Who out there is trustworthy TO ME? How many OTHER people have exposed their vulnerabilities and have proven TO ME that I can safely open up mine? It always starts out as being about everybody else. It’s that common notion that trust is earned not given—that it’s better to not give it out at all until someone proves worthy of it first.

But, then he hits you with that second line—would you put YOUR name down? Hold up, why is it everybody else’s responsibility to be vulnerable to you first? Why does everybody else have to give you their trust when yours has to be earned? Is your trust better than everybody else’s? Or are you really, deep down, just saying that because you’re actually scared? Scared of getting hurt, taken advantage of, or made fun of?

For anyone who has exposed their vulnerable side and has had this happen to them, trust me, I know how much it can hurt. And, of course, your instinct would be to stay distant and protected. But, this is merely a band-aid. It’s living in fear. It’s actually a cowardly way to approach life. I’m here to tell you that your instinct, as much as you might not feel like it is, is backwards. And it’s an instinct that’s only going to keep you feeling like an island in a socially dependent world—and it’s no way to carry on.

Trust is something that you should be giving by default, until someone proves that they shouldn’t be trusted otherwise. The perfect example is in how our Justice System presumes people are innocent until proven guilty. Not giving your trust to anyone until they prove they are trustworthy is assuming people are guilty until proven innocent—it’s backwards. This isn’t to say, however, that you should just go around blindly trusting every person you cross paths with in life—you still have to use common sense, intuition, and good judgement. But, from a general standpoint, don’t live your life assuming everybody is guilty just because somebody hurt you in the past.

Learn to trust and open up more to the world. Especially if you don’t think you’d put your own name down on your own list. There’s only one way to become more trustworthy and that’s to become more trustworthy. That is to say that there are no short-cuts. Do what you say you’re going to do. Make and keep promises. Stand up for and protect people who have been vulnerable with you. Be vulnerable with them. And make sure that your actions match your words. Then, trust yourself to build that trust up in others by giving out that trust, first. Be the courageous one. It’s a foundational move that can have one of the most significant impacts on the people around you. Want to rebuild the relationships in your life? Start with the foundations. Start with your own.

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