Leslie Ralph Quote on Feeling Complete and How To Feel Whole Even With Holes In Your Life

“How can anyone feel complete when they only ever accept a fraction of themselves?”

Leslie Ralph, Tiny Buddha

Beyond the Quote (304/365)

Many people try and fill the “holes” in their lives with another person. The “holes” being fears, doubts, insecurities, and traumas that might have been a part of their past that leave them feeling un-whole. Like parts of them are missing. Like there are voids that they can’t quite figure out or understand. Like only “half” of a person who needs another “half” to feel completed. But, there are two problems with this way of thinking.

First, you are already whole. What most don’t understand is that you can be “whole” and still have “holes” in your life. “Being whole” is about understanding, loving, and accepting yourself—despite your fears, doubts, insecurities, and past traumas. How this actually looks and how people come to terms with this idea is different for everyone. But, it’s the reality—you are not anything less than a whole person even with what happened to you in your past.

If you try and fill your “holes” with another person, then that person becomes the solution to your problem and you will stop trying to fill the “holes” yourself. Once a problem is solved, you don’t go back to the problem and try to solve it again, right? It’s done. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This leads to the second problem: You consequentially form a dependence on that person who solved your problem.

How could you not? You felt a pain in your life that the other person “solved” for you—like the missing puzzle piece to your incomplete puzzle. When things go south in that relationship and that puzzle piece leaves (or vice versa), then the pain resurfaces and the problem becomes a problem again. So, what do most people end up doing? They try and fill their life with a different person.

Why not? It’s what worked before. Maybe the puzzle piece that they picked before wasn’t right. So, better to try and fit a different puzzle piece into their “holes” instead, right? And so it goes. People go on trying to mix and match people into their life until they find “the one.” But, what if I told you your puzzle isn’t incomplete? What if I told you that you’re the entire puzzle already? And what if I told you that “puzzle pieces” aren’t found in other people?

You see, all of the puzzle pieces you are looking for to “complete” your life are already within you. And while other people may help, they can never touch your puzzle pieces because they are only yours to move. And neither can they be the pieces themselves. It’s a ridiculous thought isn’t it? Trying to fit a person into a puzzle? And yet, that’s what so many of us do! So, what is the proper way to solve the puzzle then? Well, the same way you would if there was a puzzle scattered right in front of you.

Start by finding the pieces that you understand—corner and side pieces. What pieces about your life do you understand? How can they lay a foundation outlining who you are and what you’re about? Then, connect pieces to that surrounding border as you discover them. Once you have a fundamental understanding of who you are, look more closely at how you became that person. Why did you end up that way? What circumstances, events, or experiences shaped your beliefs and molded your foundation? And from there it is more of the same: you continue reflecting and progressing until it is complete.

You see, what ends up happening to so many is that they see this heaping pile of puzzle pieces laid out in front of them and they get overwhelmed, frustrated, and anxious—and understandably so! It’s an incredibly large pile! “How to finish the puzzle all by themselves?” “It will take forever to complete!” “It is too complicated!” This is what leads to people seeking out help from others. But again, asking you the right questions or challenging you in reflective ways that get you to put pieces together is about as far as their help may extend. And don’t forget, they can also have the opposite effect on your efforts, too.

And so when they go, it’s just you and that heaping pile of puzzle pieces again. So, rather than go running to another person, you could buckle down and start fitting things together on your own. You could make connections by reading books, articles, and blogs from people who have had similar puzzle pieces as you. You can take seminars, watch videos, and speak to people who are experienced puzzle builders. And you can do the gritty work of just working your way through it all yourself. But, three things I know for sure: 1) It won’t complete itself 2) Nobody can complete your puzzle for you 3) There are better ways to complete your puzzle than interchanging people into and out of your life.

In summary, don’t let your “holes” stop you from feeling “whole.” You are already whole. Get to a place where you can see the picture of your puzzle forming and make peace with and find joy in the process of solving. Hold a sense of calm, coolness, and clarity with you as you do and you’ll solve the puzzle much more efficiently than if you were solving it from the opposite type of state. Ask for help, yes. But, don’t use other people as solutions to your problems. Be whole first. Share your life with someone, second.

In a Tweet:

Many people try and fill the “holes” in their lives with another person.

There are two problems with this:

1) They stop trying to fill the “holes” themself.

2) They form a dependence on the other person.

Be whole first. Share your life with someone, second.

— Matthew Hogan (@MattHogan123) November 2, 2020

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