Jiawei Han Quote on Expectations and How To Separate The Person From The Idea Of The Person

“You just like the idea of me. You like the person I present myself under circumstances that I can control. I choose what I say and how I say things. It’s like being attracted to a fictional character in a book. They are scripted and made up. If you think about it, through writings, we all script and make ourselves up. I don’t share the person I become when I am upset. I don’t show you how I look like when I sleep. I don’t tell you about all the times I’ve made someone cry. All the guilty things I’ve done and the bad thoughts I’ve had.”

Jiawei Han

Beyond the Quote (243/365)

And so is all too often the case in today’s world. Who are we really falling in love with? Who are we idolizing and emulating? Who are we really putting on a pedestal? Is it really the person or is it really just the idea of the person? More often than not, after careful introspection, you’ll find that many people in our lives are really just a product of ideas that represent idealistic and unrealistic images of the people we wished for them to be. We don’t see them for who they are, we see them as a projection from our mind—and perception is reality.

The confusion happens on two fronts. First, our ideas of other people are skewed by the “scripted” lives that they broadcast and present through social media and life filters. Everybody wants to put their best foot forward and showcase the highlight reels of their lives—why wouldn’t they? Nobody instinctually wants to showcase who they are when they’re upset, how they look when they sleep, all of the times they made other people cry, or all of the guilty things they’ve done.

So what do they do? They filter out all of those moments and share only the best ones instead—they filter their virtual reality as is perceived by others. And if that isn’t enough, what do you think people are doing when they buy beautiful, luxurious, exquisite material items? That’s right, filtering their reality so as to change how others perceive them in real life. They’re hiding their imperfections, flaws, and insecurities behind a wall of beauty and aesthetic perfection.

It’s against our nature to expose our weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and flaws. We protect ourselves by hiding those sides of ourselves and only highlighting our strengths. This, of course, is an incomplete picture of who we are. And how then, are others supposed to get a complete picture when what’s being broadcasted is incomplete to begin with? It isn’t possible. It can only be done by overriding the broadcast and getting into direct contact with the person in their raw and natural form. You have to find the primary source, if you will. The human who gets no filters, no re-takes, and no do-overs. The one who is in their non-self-conscious element

Moving on and secondly (and less easily identified), our ideas of others get skewed by our own expectations and fantasies. When we think about and see other people through the lens of our needs and desires in the world, we make up who we want them to be and project that image onto them in real life. When they don’t fulfill that role, we get let down and disappointed. But, when you think about it, it isn’t from any fault of the other person. YOU were the one who placed expectations on THEM. What really happened was YOU snapped out of your trance and woke up from YOUR fantasy/ dream. The other person was just being who they always were—you just couldn’t see it. Maybe it was because of the broadcast they were curating and sending out, or maybe you were just blind to it because you were in a dream.

Stay woke to what’s happening in the relationships in your life. Reflect carefully on the following thoughts: Are you friends with who you are friends with because of who they are or because of the idea of who you think they are? Are you in love with who you’re in love with or are you in love with the idea of that person? Are you idolizing someone you haven’t met? Is it the person that you’re idolizing or the idea of the person that you’ve made up in your mind? How can you create a complete picture of a person you’ve never met in raw form?

By understanding the difference between the two, you’ll learn how to slowly bring yourself back to reality and drop expectations. Sometimes, the expectations we place on people are unrealistic and incredibly unfair and only hurt both parties. They are people, too. And like all people, they struggle just like you. So, be kind. Be more accepting. Comfort them when they expose their vulnerabilities and let them know that it’s okay to relax from their chronic desire to display strength. And if there’s one more piece of advice I could give, be the first to show your rawness. If you always wait for everyone else to open up before you do, you may stay forever guarded. Good luck.

---

Read Next: 10 Empowering Brené Brown Quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection

---

Are You Serious About Moving Forward in Your Life...? Our Guides Are For You. 👇🏼