“When you say no, you are only saying no to one option. When you say yes, you are saying no to every other option. No is a choice. Yes is a responsibility.”
James Clear, Blog
Beyond the Quote (312/365)
This goes out to everybody who has a hard time saying, “No.“ Sure, saying no can be hard when you’re talking to a friend, family member, coworker, or even acquaintance. I get it. You don’t want to let the people you care about down. You don’t want to disappoint or upset those who ask you for a favor. You don’t want things to get awkward. But, as Clear points out above, what’s important to understand is that saying yes isn’t free of consequence in itself. It means you are saying no to every other option instead.
Understanding this idea is a game changer. It takes a narrow perspective that is focused on a single outcome and zooms the decision out to the bigger picture. The bigger picture that includes all of your priorities. By saying yes to a family member because you don’t want to let them down, you are saying no to all of your other family members, friends, coworkers, and things you could be doing for yourself. And the same is true when you say yes to the friend who asks you for a favor or the coworker who asks you out for a drink—you are effectively saying no to everything else that could be done during that time.
The challenge is remembering this when you’re face-to-face with the person asking. This is the main reason why most people have such a hard time saying no—because it’s easier to say yes to someone’s face and no to someone who isn’t present than the opposite. And so it goes for so many situations in life. People carry on saying yes to those who confront them in-person while they carry on saying no to all those who aren’t present. This can be sourced as being one of the main reasons why people live such unbalanced lives—their “yeses” aren’t in alignment with their priorities. And if you’re not in control of your time and priorities, you have to ask yourself, who is?
The ability to remember and keep prioritized your loved ones and other time commitments is key in mastering the art of saying no. And yes, in today’s world, I would absolutely consider it an art. But, it doesn’t have to be a hard or complicated art. It should be kept simple and easy to remember. Complicated won’t help you. You simply have to internalize the idea that you’re saying no—not because you don’t like them or because you don’t want to help them—but because you have another priority that you’ve already said yes to.
Steve Kamb, the founder of Nerd Fitness, said that the best and most polite excuse is just to say you have a rule.
- ‘I have a rule that I don’t decide without consulting my spouse.’
- ‘I have a rule that I don’t miss family time.’
- ‘I have a rule that I don’t speak for free anymore.’
- ‘I have a rule that I don’t date coworkers.’
- ‘I have a rule that I am home for bath time with the kids every night.’
People respect rules, and they accept that it’s not you rejecting the offer, request, demand, or opportunity, but the rule allows you no choice. This is one strategy and there are many others.
You could get better at pre-planning your days/ weeks/ months so that your time is already blocked out. It’s easier to say no when you legitimately have other plans. You could also make your priorities more clear so that when you’re confronted with something that is asking you to stray from them, you won’t feel like you’re in the middle of a fog and hesitate. Or, as crazy as this one might sound, you could simply get better at saying no and practice getting more comfortable with the awkward moments that follow. It’s your life and saying no is your right.
Saying yes, as Clear points out above, is a responsibility. Only say yes if you’re ready and willing to say no to all of the alternative options. Saying yes is a commitment of your time. It’s a demonstration of your priorities. And it will determine the path of your life because you’re yeses will determine your actions. Don’t just say yes because you feel bad. Don’t just say yes because you were caught off guard. Don’t just say yes because you didn’t want things to get awkward. Say yes because you mean it, are clear about it, and are ready to own everything about it.
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Read Next: 10 Sobering James Clear Quotes on Making Progress from Atomic Habits
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