“Our struggles connect us. We relate to the challenges of other people much more than we relate to their victories. We empathize with pain much more than joy. The moment we truly see ourselves in another person is when we realize that we’ve felt the exact same pain.”
Brandon Stanton, Humans (Page 278)
Beyond the Quote (351/365)
This is the oversight with always wanting to show off. It might make people envy you, but it doesn’t allow people to easily connect with you. If anything, it creates a larger disconnect between where they are and where you portray yourself to be. As Brandon points out above, it’s our struggles that connect us, not our victories.
Victories might give us moments that we can share, but they’re typically one-sided. It’s a celebration of another individual and what they’ve done. When one person reaches a goal or accomplishes a victory, others can share in that moment and be happy for them, but they’re not connected in that victory—unless they were a part of the process that got them there.
It’s one thing to congratulate someone for graduating from college and a completely different thing to congratulate someone for graduating from college whom you’ve fought for/with—tooth and nail—to help get to that point. The connection isn’t made in the achievement alone, the connection is made in the overcoming of the challenges to get to that achievement together.
This is why “bandwagon” fans always take so much heat from “true” fans. Bandwagon fans like supporting the teams that are winning—they’re flaky. True fans support their teams regardless of their record—they’re solid. And it’s from that shared experience of being there for your team when they’re down in the dirt, supporting them (and your fellow true fans) as they get back up, and cheering for them just as strong at all of their games that gives true fans the passion—the connection—that bandwagon fans will always lack.
Bruce Lee once said, “Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory.” And it’s because showing off, gloating, “flexing on,” acting arrogant towards, chasing “flaky” wins, only disconnects you further and further from the people around you. And where’s the glory in being talented, but alone? Where’s the achievement in being a high achiever, but without anyone to celebrate passionately with? Where’s the legacy in a room full of trophies and plaques, that’s empty of friends and family to connect the stories and adversities behind them?
Living this type of “show off” lifestyle can quickly become lonely. And how do talented/ high achieving people deal with that loneliness? In many cases, the only way they know how—by showing off to gather more envy and superficial praise to feel some kind of connection again. Which, of course, is temporary and fleeting because it isn’t connection through struggle—and it merely starts the cycle all over again.
This is a reminder that it’s okay to share your pain. It’s okay to be imperfect, to struggle, and to ask for help. And it’s okay to use conversations, phones, and social media for reasons other than sharing victories, achievements, and highlights. In fact, it’s precisely “highlight reel” culture that is at the root of so many problems with connection in our modern world. Why? Because people are trying to connect by showing off, gloating, and/or impressing everyone they know. But, as we’ve already discussed, this isn’t how we connect.
We connect through struggle. We relate to pain. We empathize with imperfection. In fact, if you think about those whom you feel most connected to—via social media or life in general—it’s likely for the very reason that they’ve shared their pains, challenges, and struggles with you. And from those vulnerable, real, authentic posts/ moments, we not only see them for who they really are, but we’re able to see ourselves—our vulnerable, real, authentic selves—in them.
This post became the introduction for: 6 Behind-The-Scenes Brandon Stanton Quotes from Humans on Struggle and Connection
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