“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
Beyond the Quote (76/365)
Below, you will find an exchange between another person and I in regards to the quote above and the caption I put up for it. It’s a good exchange and there are elements that I think are worth elaborating on and discussing. Here is the exchange:
Caption: “Help; or help him get help. Don’t punish and don’t take on the task as solely your responsibility. Take care of yourself first and do what you can, second.”
Their Reply: “It’s not anybody’s responsibility to help him, nor does it help the person. The only one who can help him is himself.”
My Reply: “This is true, but we can always offer our help anyway 🙏🏼 …Maybe because of the good it will do him, or because of the good it will do you. And if it’s accepted, good. And if it’s rejected, good. At least you tried. At the end of the day tho, this is always optional and will always be his responsibility to fulfill.”
Their Reply: “My advice is: let them be. Everything you give attention to grows—so will his suffering. Because they will need others to rely on, cling to people, and worse take advantage. They need to seek within first therefore need to be left alone to get that chance.”
My Reply: “I can see your point and can certainly see how this can be the case in some. I also think there are others, however who would welcome help, show gratitude, and use it as an opportunity to get onto the right path. I think this is all very circumstantial to the individual. Some certainly may exploit our help and become dependent—but not all. And if this were the case for everybody, ‘let them be’ then why help anybody ever?”
Afterthoughts:
I think the commenter had a very valid point. At the end of the day, people need to help themselves overcome whatever it is that’s causing them suffering—it’s an inside out job that can only be done, in full, by them. Any help that comes from us will always only be from the outside trying to get in, which will never be anywhere near as effective. The part of the quote that I didn’t interpret and present appropriately in my caption was the last line in Nhat Hanh’s quote: “That’s the message he is sending [that he needs help].”
I commented and said we should help or help him get help, but really, both of those options are the exact same thing—helping a person and helping them get help, are both examples of helping. And so, really, the options are to help or to not help—and that’s what the commenter was appropriately pointing out. And that’s a decision that needs to be made on an individual basis. Each circumstance is so different and requires careful attention and action steps in order to be properly handled that it’s hard to give out one-size-fits-all advice. But I can definitely share some ideas that might help.
First and foremost, before you offer someone else help, make sure that you are taken care of first. You can only ever give what you have. If you don’t have your life in order and you haven’t come to terms with your suffering and the suffering in your life that’s spilling over onto other people, then you need to deal with that first! Don’t act hypocritically and be the person who is pointing out everybody else’s overflow of suffering while you are overflowing yourself. Do you first—always.
You can’t be in a fulfilling relationship unless you are in a fulfilled relationship with yourself. How could this not be the case? You have to contribute your full 50% and they have to contribute their full 50%. Take responsibility for yourself and make sure you’re overflowing with happiness, positivity, and goodwill before you go trying to solve the suffering of another.
Second, before you offer someone help, make sure that they are able to admit that there is a problem that requires help. If they don’t admit that they have a problem, then how would you even be able to help? If a loved one is chronically losing their temper, for example, and is unjustly yelling at the people around them—but they don’t think it’s a problem—you can choose to try and change their mind, or you can choose to take the appropriate steps in relation to the unjust yelling. If, in their mind there’s no problem, then, unfortunately, there’s also no solution (in their mind). And if they don’t change their mind from your efforts, then you need to be ready to take the consequential action steps—which, again, is dependent on the particular situation.
Lastly, don’t over-help or micro-manage. Offer the minimal help necessary that will encourage the person to do the rest on their own. Borrowing strength, builds weakness. But sometimes, a little push is what some people might need to get them going on their own, forward path. Almost like a lawn mower. The lawn mower isn’t doing anything until the ignition cord is pulled. Once it’s started, however, it’s good to run on its own until the gas is out. Help get people’s engines started, then back off.
Bottom Line:
Julia Roberts nailed this in a quote directed towards women who were in relationships with men. She said, “Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It’s not your job to fix him, change him, parent, or raise him. You want a partner, not a project.” And this is true in any which way of a relationship. We can only ever help people grow in the same, limited, ways that we can help a plant grow: Good soil, sunshine, water—environment. You can’t force a plant to grow—it will grow on it’s own.
You can only every influence the environment and the same is true for the people around us. Be patient with people, but not manipulated. Be forgiving, but not naive. Offer strength, but don’t become a crutch. Give them hope, but don’t be their hope. Thank you to the person who initiated this train of thought. I hope this finds you all well.
Don't Let the Motivation Stop There...!
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