“Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Beyond the Quote (58/365)
What a gift it would be if we were able to drop all of our desires for perfection. And I’m not just talking about some of our desires for perfection—I mean all of them. The desire to look perfect; to have perfect grades/ outcomes/ performances; to be perceived as perfect by others; to have perfect answers to questions; to be the perfect mother/ father/ spouse/ sibling; to have the perfect circumstances; to live the perfect life… Why? Because every single one of these desires creates suffering. They create unattainable, unrealistic goals that lead to constant disappointment, self-judgement, and less acceptance of your self and others. And in this world—in this reality—there is no such thing as perfect.
Perfection is the standard that will drive you mad in its pursuit. Trying to look perfect is the standard that takes positive intentions from being constructive to being extreme and destructive. “Healthy eating” escalates into extreme dieting and/or fasting. “Working out” turns into extreme, obsessive, and/or excessive exercising. Getting a quick aesthetic procedure done escalates into more intense plastic surgery. Moreover, trying to produce perfect results will leave you short every time—unless, of course, you only produce results in areas that never challenge you and are well within your domain of knowledge. Go ahead, answer 2+2 for the rest of your life. That will give you a perfect streak of results. But if you want to grow, being imperfect is a prerequisite—after all, you can’t improve or grow what’s already perfect. And as long as you’re operating under the mindset that you have to be perfect, why would you want to step into a domain that’s outside your area of knowledge and risk being imperfect? That’s the real danger.
What about wanting to be perceived as perfect by others? Wanting to be perceived as perfect by others means you have to act perfectly in a way that aligns with each of their individual perceptions of perfection and never make a mistake in that acting process. And not only is that a wasted effort (for obvious reasons) but it can be really annoying too. Why do I say that? Because when you really think about it, how do we connect as humans anyway? Is it by being the perfect person? Think about your best friends? Are they perfect? Or are they perfectly imperfect? We connect through our vulnerabilities.
It’s precisely what makes us imperfect that leads us to our deepest human connections. Your best friends are the ones who have shown you their biggest weaknesses, their deepest fears, their greatest flaws, their most personal vulnerabilities, and I’m sure your best friends are the only ones who know those things about you too. People who try to be perfect are annoying because they close the door to the exact part of them that lets you in—to connect and really get to know them—when ironically, they’re probably trying to put on a perfect “front” so that other people like them enough to want to connect and really get to know them.
What about wanting to be the perfect mother/ father/ spouse/ sibling? Or wanting to have perfect circumstances or the perfect life? Yeah, good luck with that. We are ALL imperfect people, making imperfect decisions, with imperfect information, under imperfect circumstances, in a wildly imperfect world. I guess, that’s one way to put it, right? Hopefully by now you can see how wanting any sliver of this to be perfect is self-destructive and wasteful. So, how then, should we act? What approach would be better? …Why not try adopting the mindset of being perfectly imperfect?
Try being wildly authentic in your most true form and unapologetically embrace each and every one of your flaws for what they are—the uniquenesses that make you, you! …The person who wouldn’t be who they are without those exact uniqueness as they come together in you. So how should you try to look? Flaw-some. How should you try to perform? The absolute best you can with no expectations in mind and ready to recover from mistakes. How should you answer questions? Honestly and/or ready admit your ignorance. How should you live your life? With band-aids ready, lots of reading material, and people you can be vulnerable with. Not only will this be more constructive and useful, but it will lead to more authenticity and connection and less anxiety and stress. And that’s something that I think might help us all.
This post became the introduction for: 10 Empowering Brené Brown Quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection
Don't Let the Motivation Stop There...!
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