“It is an act of responsibility to discipline a child. It is not anger at misbehavior. It is not revenge for a misdeed. It is instead a careful combination of mercy and long-term judgment. Proper discipline requires effort—indeed, is virtually synonymous with effort. It is difficult to pay careful attention to children. It is difficult to figure out what is wrong and what is right and why. It is difficult to formulate just and compassionate strategies of discipline, and to negotiate their application with others deeply involved in a child’s care. Because of this combination of responsibility and difficulty, any suggestion that all constraints placed on children are damaging can be perversely welcome. Such a notion, once accepted, allows adults who should know better to abandon their duty to serve as agents of enculturation and pretend that doing so is good for children. It’s a deep and pernicious act of self-deception. It’s lazy, cruel and inexcusable.”
Jordan Peterson, via 12 Rules for Life(Page 124)
Beyond the Quote (51/365)
Once we agree that the proper disciplining of children is necessary, the question that quickly follows is, how do we discipline properly? What strategies and tactics should we use to ensure that our children will abide by and will continue to abide by the rules we have decided upon? One idea that you might explore is a martial arts concept that is practiced in self-defense situations that suggests we use the minimum force necessary. If we have to defend ourselves, we only use the minimum amount of force that would stun or neutralize the opponent so that we can safely escape. For kids, the idea would be to use the minimum strategy or tactic necessary to get them back into accordance with the rule set.
And yes, we must act and do what is necessary because it was already decided that the rules that were put into place were not random, arbitrary, or excessive, but rather were practical, essential, and carefully thought out. If you decide that disciplining is not necessary after a rule is broken, then the rule shouldn’t have been put into place. Only prescribe rules that you feel strongly about and would act on if they were broken. Where disciplining goes wrong is when it doesn’t happen at all or when it is done excessively. It’s that “gray area” of what the proper amount of force might be that we need to explore and figure out on a per-family-basis.
Utilizing this principle of minimum force necessary is hard and requires a lot of experimentation, feedback, discipline, and hard work—but it is absolutely worth the effort in comparison to the alternative of not disciplining children at all. Because if kids aren’t disciplined properly at home—under the loving and caring supervision of their family—then the alternative is for them to get disciplined by the cold, harsh, uncaring world. And leaving your kids to the very real disciplinary tactics of the outside world without a firm understanding or respect for rule following, should never be confused with a loving strategy. It’s lazy and irresponsible and is going to give them one heck of a hard time.
So how do we find that “sweet spot” of minimum discipline necessary? For some kids, a stone cold glare from their parents might be enough. A sharp, “HEY!” or the use of their full name, “MATTHEW SEAN HOGAN” might snap them back into reality. A formal sit down with a firm re-explaination of the rules, why the actions they took were wrong, and a formal apology (maybe even written) might be useful. Some kids might need a flick of your finger or a slap on the wrist. Just enough to get them back on track and nothing more. Timeout can also be a very effective strategy especially if they are welcome to return once they calm down and have regained control of their temper.
Every parent will have different tactics that work better for them and every kid will respond differently to the tactics that the parents utilize. Explore these options with your kids and find out what works best for you and your family. Remember to not only stay firm in your commitment to the rules and to keep yourself disciplined in ensuring the rules are followed, but to also stay flexible in your approach so that you can find the strategy that works best for your kids. And again, don’t take this lightly because if not you, then who? …Because somebody will discipline them.
Read Next: How to Deal with Challenging Students – Proactively and In 3 Steps
Don't Let the Motivation Stop There...!
Join our newsletter and get the BEST of what we post every week. Here's an example. Like? Sign up.
[amp-optin id=42297]