Quote on Loving People Without Placing Expectations On Them Of Who You Think They Should Be

“In order to make a relationship last, you really have to flow with a person as they change. Give them space. My friend always told me about his grandfather who was with his wife for 60 years before she passed. His grandfather said that through all that time, his wife changed so much it felt like he had been with 8 different people by the end. But he said the secret to making it last was that through all those changes, he never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be. Rather he loved, fully, every new woman she became.”
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Beyond the Quote (45/365)

Don’t suffocate your loved ones. The more they feel suffocated, the more space they will need to breathe. The more tightly you squeeze them, the more freedom they will need. The more smothered they feel with expectations, the more resistance and disappointment you both will feel. Love should not be suffocating; it should be spacious. Love should not be limiting; it should be enabling. Love should not be expected; it should be given—unconditionally and in full.

In order to make a relationship last it has to be based on growth—growth of each individual and growth of the connection as a whole. How could it not be? Because the opposite of growth is decay and decay is certainly not a good long term strategy for relationship success. When only one person in a relationship grows and the other decays, the relationship will suffer. When both people in a relationship decay, the relationship will parish. When both people in a relationship grow, the relationship will flourish.

How does this translate? Give your loved ones space to grow. Give them time away to change. Give them opportunities to experiment with the world and to explore their inner workings. Give them the gift of your presence and undivided attention when they are close; and give them the gift of your trust and patience when they are away. Give them thoughtful gifts and encouraging nudges that lead them down their path, even if it leads them away from you. Give them the kind of love that helps them become who they want to become, not the kind of selfish love that holds them back to who they were before. Be your loved one’s biggest fan, greatest supporter, and most trusted friend as you both try to figure life out, together.

Remember, nothing is stagnant in a relationship—ever. We evolve and decay, learn and forget, build and break more and more every day. If you want your relationship to stand the test of time, like the beautiful old couple mentioned above, learn to love fully, every new person your loved one becomes—and be the catalyst that helps them get to that version safely and sanely. Because they will change and if you don’t change with them, learn to manage your expectations, and keep your love unconditionally open, it’s very possible that your paths will diverge and your relationship won’t make it.

Here’s the bottom line: if you want to grow old with your loved one, you need to grow with your loved one as they grow old—through the good times and the bad, through the times when you’re close and the times when you’re far, through the times when you know for sure and the times when you don’t have a clue, through the times when you’re sick and through the times when you’re healthy, through the most devastating of times and through the most beautiful of them. Why would you want to have it any other way?