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Iain Thomas Quote on Trying To Use Self-Love In Response To Pain—Not More Pain

“Why do we hurt ourselves more, when other people hurt us?  Why do we beat ourselves up, for feeling beat up?  Maybe the lesser pain you cause yourself distracts you from the bigger pain inside.  And it’s easy to get stuck in a kind of loop of pain.  You’re hurt, so you hurt yourself some more.  But the correct response to pain, is self-love.  When we’re hurt, we need to take better care of ourselves.  Not worse.  It can be hard to be conscious in the moment and remember to be kind to ourselves when someone hurts us.  But you need to try.”

Iain Thomas, Every Word You Cannot Say (Page 116)

Beyond the Quote (23/365)

What does beating ourselves up look like?  It can manifest in destructive self-talk: “Why am I such an idiot?!” “I don’t deserve to be happy.” “Why do I even bother trying?  It’s not like anything is going to change.”  It can manifest in negative talk and conversation which might include tearing down the people around you, purposefully excluding yourself from social situations because you don’t feel worthy, or even inserting yourself into the role of being a victim, a loser, a trouble-maker, or a target.  It might also manifest in physical harm.  This is where you might see people punching walls (or other assorted objects), purposefully not taking care of themselves, or even abusing drugs, alcohol, or other substances.  Why do any of this at all?  Maybe because the pain it causes distracts us from a bigger pain inside.

What does self-love look like?  It might start with positive internal dialog.  Rather than calling yourself an idiot, who is stupid, and worthless, and good for nothing… you might call yourself a human, who is learning, and is just as worthy as any other human, and is good for more than they can imagine (you’re just figuring it out as you go like everybody else).  You might also try meditating to quiet the mind.  Or listening to podcasts to change the internal conversation (if quieting your mind is only leading to more noise than peace).  Self-Love might also look like walks in the park, reading books of interest, joining a fitness class, saying ‘yes’ to spending time with people who uplift and ‘no’ to people who tear down (saying ‘no’ might be even more important), or it might even result in you inserting yourself into the role of being a healer, a listener, a problem-solver, and the dependable one.  Why do any of this at all?  Maybe because the love that you give yourself will help you heal from the bigger pain inside.

Is self-love easy when you’re filled with pain and negativity?  Of course not.  But you need to try.  Not just for your own sake, but for the sake of everybody around you too.  Because pain will beget more pain for as long as you let pain rule your life.  Love will beget more love when you allow love to be the ruler.  The pain might never completely subside, but love can certainly completely take over.  This isn’t something that has to happen overnight either (truly great changes rarely do).  This is something that will happen gradually and with time.  Start with one loving action.  Then let that lead you to a few more.  If you mess up or fall back, don’t judge yourself.  Just find your way back to love and let love find it’s way back into you.


Read Next: 27 of the Most Important Love Yourself Quotes That You May Ever Read.


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