A Short Story Told By Nelson Mandela and What It Really Means To Leave Bitterness and Hatred Behind

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

Nelson Mandela

Read the following short story first. It lays the scene for what, “leaving bitterness and hatred behind” really means. The speaker in the story is Nelson Mandela himself and the credit for the story goes to Geoff Pentz via FaceBook. My thoughts to follow.

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The Story:

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“After becoming President, I asked some of my bodyguard members to go for a walk in town. After the walk, we went for lunch at a restaurant. We sat in one of the most central ones, and each of us asked what we wanted. After a bit of waiting, the waiter who brought our menus appeared and at that moment I realized that at the table that was right in front of ours there was a single man waiting to be served.

When he was served, I told one of my soldiers: go ask that man to join us. The soldier went and transmitted my invitation. The man stood up, took the plate and sat next to me. While eating, his hands were constantly shaking and he didn’t lift his head from the food. When we finished, he waved at me without even looking at me, I shook his hand and walked away!

One of my soldiers said to me: ‘Madiba, that man must be very sick as his hands wouldn’t stop shaking while he was eating.’ Not at all! The reason for his tremor is another, I replied.

They looked at me weird and I said to them: That man was the guardian of the jail I was locked up in. Often, after the torture I was subjected to, I screamed and cried for water and he came to humiliate me, he laughed at me and instead of giving me water he urinated on my head. He wasn’t sick, he was scared and shook maybe fearing that I, now the president of South Africa, would send him to jail and do the same thing he did with me, torturing and humiliating him. But that’s not me, that behavior is not part of my character nor my ethics. Minds that seek revenge destroy states, while those that seek reconciliation build Nations.”

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Afterword:

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Now ask yourself what is more admirable: sending that man to jail and doing the same thing he did to Mandela or inviting him to his table for lunch? Instinctually, treating others the way you were treated seems only fair—you went through it, why shouldn’t they?! Send him to jail and urinate on his head!

But, what then does that say of you? You have become the very man that you resented and now, you are him. You will have belittled yourself to the bottom of your own standards and will have to live with the same guilt, shame, and embarrassment that the other man has inside of him. And for what? What higher purpose does that serve? To get even? Even to where? Because you’re certainly not even at a higher plane.

What is more admirable is the man who is able to shed himself of his resentments, angers, and desires for revenge. A man who is able to live at a higher standard and, in the process, is able to influence others to join him on that higher plane. What’s admirable and what takes true strength, is forgiving and choosing to treat others the way you would want to be treated—even if that’s not how they treated you. Revenge is the instinct. Forgiveness is the superpower.

By living at that higher standard you are transcending the very behavior that you condoned. Don’t reduce yourself to their level, elevate yourself to your best level. It is not easy. It won’t seem fair. But, life rarely is. And it is precisely in the hard, unfair, emotionally trying moments when our character is truly forged—for best and for worse.

This is not say, by the way, that people who have done vile, cruel, malevolent, or awful things, should simply be forgiven and forgotten. No. People who have done wrong should be properly punished in accordance to the law as it’s agreed upon by the people in the society. Rapist, murderers, abusers, etc., should not be invited over to your table for lunch. They should be arrested and tried in front of a jury of their peers.

But, personal vendettas? Grudges? Irritations? Heartbreaks? Or other matters of wrongdoing? Rather than hold onto all of that resentment, revenge, and anger yourself—best to just let it go and free your vessel of the poison. For, as has been said by many before, holding that kind of poison inside does more harm to the beholder than it ever does to the person it is being targeted towards.

Release your poison. Raise your standards. Treat others the way you want to be treated despite how others have treated you. Bring those to justice who need to be punished. Forget about those who are simply acting below your standards. Move forward with your life. And invite those who have done wrong by you to lunch when you see them alone in the same eatery as you. Kill them with kindness. If they have any kind of a moral compass, that will have more of an impact on them than any kind of wrongdoing you have planned in retaliation ever will.

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